Missionary Letters--Daejeon Korea

My companion was sick this week so I spent 3 days in the house....I'm trying to resolve my guilt over being happy about the break, I don't know how you felt at the end of your mission but I am an old lady...I am tired pretty much 24/7, I try to think of it as celestial fatigue. This transfer my companion and I are doing a purification activity where we chose things to give up in attempt to have the spirit always, in addition my district leader, who is now a really close friend, has a will of God and praying always/following the spirit theory that I have been trying to incorporate. He gave me the homework of every time I get to the corner to pray about which way to go and then go that direction. The goal is to get to appointments, and other necessary places, but then be willing to give up my desires and fear of men and do just what God wants. It's really hard. Anyhow, the three day break made me go through some old things and I read over all my letters in my mission. It really made me thankful for you and everything you have taught me. You don't know what a blessing it is for me to be able to think outside the bubble on doctrinal things and actually seek truth acording to my perception, for example the other day my companion shared with me from our white handbook (the rulebook) a part that states the purpose of the book is to strive to understand and live the principles and standards in the book and to live the higher law taught by Jesus Christ. That law is found in 3 Nephi and Matthew to be perfect even as Jesus Christ is perfect. I am thankful to be able to understand that means following what God wants even at the expense of what everyone else thinks and I only now can understand because of your example and what I have learned from you. I now understand maybe a little of how hard you try. I am finding that the hardest thing in life is to try to make a decision according to what God wants when I know that I have no control or say or persuasion over the outcome. Some days it's too hard, but at least now i know that I want to want to do the things God wants. hehe Two of my obstacles are fear of the future or being hurt and separating my desires and thoughts from the desires and thoughts of the Gods...God and the Holy Ghost or whatever. I want so much to be able to put everything on the alter of God and submit, but it always seems that I have to pry my clutching fingers off my selfish desires. And I don't know why I'm afraid...I think that God has a personal plan for my salvation and happiness.